• goodbadi

    Revelation

    Tuesday night I decided that our water pressure was just too powerful. The shower even felt spiky at times. Our outdoor faucet dripped constantly. The evening dishwater was extra foamy.

    “Something’s wrong,” I told M. “I think the pump’s running all the time.” Sure enough, when I investigated, the pump was stuck on–and the pressure gauge showed numbers twice as high as normal.

    We resorted to using the electrical panel breaker as a water valve, turning the power to our neighbor’s barn–yes, we supply the neighbor’s barn with power, which then powers our water pump, which is also his cattle’s water pump–on for a few minutes to fill the pressure tank, then off until our faucets gurgled dry.

    Figuring this all out required tramping up and down our driveway in the dark, crisp night with my big 4-D cell LED Maglite and in my pajama pants and work boots, so it wasn’t until late that I fell into a fitful sleep just dreading the inevitable maintenance call bill, bemoaning our electrical interconnectedness with the farmer whose cattle I’d just looked out for by closing the rickety poor man’s gate at the end of the driveway, since not providing power to the barn meant the electric fences along our driveway were just useless strands of metal string, and wondering how this pump situation–and the larger problem of our inseparability from providing current to the barn, for free–could be resolved most efficiently and inoffensively.

    After all, no longer providing him free power might remove the farmer’s willingness to mow our pasture (he’s done it twice) or plow our driveway (once) or might make him park ungainly and trashed vehicles right by our property line or be a less nice person to us. Or maybe he’d make sure his cows got right up to the spring house, causing it to deteriorate even more rapidly than it already is.

    And the solution to installing a new water and power line to a pump of our own didn’t seem that simple–too many complicating factors–until….

    Before I woke up Wednesday morning, I had a dream, of course about my preoccupation matter at hand. In my dream I came up with the perfect solution for when we put in our own pump and water line: run a gravity-flow water line from the current pump house down hill to our property to a new pump house and pump of our own, which would then send the water up the hill to our house. Simple? You bet. But I hadn’t thought of it before.

    I rolled out of bed, made sure the pump still wasn’t shutting off, called the farmer to let him know the situation and that I’d closed his gate, and headed off to school armed with the phone number to call the fix-it-up-chappies, who came out later and remedied the situation.

    As I pulled through our barnyard driveway after school, there was the farmer.

    “This is soppy,” he said. “I ought to bring a load of gravel down here. And thanks for calling to let me know about the pump and gate. When you get the bill, just give it to me–it’ll help pay for the power I use.”

    Well.

  • goodbadi

    The Day I Joined the Military: A Fictional Account of Something That Never Happened

    It finally got to me, so today I took the first step for making a positive contribution to the world.

    It actually started way back in 1998 when my sister and brother-in-law were in Nicaragua during Hurricane Mitch. They weren’t coastal residents, but their normally fragile communication links were wiped out by the storm, so no one in my family knew for several days how they’d been affected. When we finally heard from them, and that they were fine, they told us that we’d not been the only ones concerned–a U.S. military helicopter had flown over their house, just checking in.

    A military helicopter? I turned to my communal housemates there on our pacifist campus, tears streaming down my face. “It makes me want to enlist,” I said. “After all, the military does have the equipment to help out in these situations.”

    And now the earthquake in Haiti has happened, and again the U.S. military has rushed to the rescue. According to Time last Wednesday, “Some 800 Marines moved ashore Tuesday in Haiti, ferrying supplies on helicopters and Humvees as the U.S. military force there swelled to as many as 11,000. Military officials said troops and supplies were arriving as fast as possible despite daunting logistical hurdles. Army Maj. Gen. Daniel Allyn, the deputy commander for military operations in Haiti, said the military has delivered more than 400,000 bottles of water and 300,000 food rations since last Tuesday’s earthquake.”

    Sign me up! I thought when I read this. Let me be the compassionate arm of the U.S. government! Give me a machine gun or even just a water bottle!

    After a sleepless night during which I told M none of my intentions, today I called up a local recruiter I know. He actually comes to my school and speaks at our pep rallies about valor, courage, and cool weaponry, so he was eager to talk to me.

    “Say, Randy,” I said. “I want to sign up for the Marines. I want to go to Haiti right now.”

    “Sure,” he said. “Let me get your info.” I obligingly answered his questions: I’m straight, I’ve never been convicted of murder, I’m pro-life, winning a Nobel Peace Prize sounds good to me, and yes, Diet Coke heated in the desert probably wouldn’t be too bad for me to stomach, although why would I ever be deployed to a desert somewhere when Haiti’s just around the corner?

    “Do you speak Pashtun?” he asked. “No? Arabic? Korean? No? OK, uh, how about, do you read any of those languages?”

    “Nope,” I said. “But why does that matter? Bottled water and goodwill gestures need no spoken words. Love is the International Language.”

    “Right,” he said. “Now, how much experience do you have with guns?”

    By this time, so in a hurry was I to begin dispensing relief to our needy neighbors, I’d just begun to tell him the answers I thought he wanted to hear. “Lots, since I used to be a rabid hunter. And I shot a tin can on my first try with a .22 revolver.”

    “Good, good,” he said. “You’ll make an excellent Marine. We’ll sign you up for boot camp starting next week.”

    “Next week? Boot camp?” I asked, rather incredulously. “But the Haitians need help now!  I don’t have time to train. I’m a good driver–can’t I drive a big truck without boot camp? Can’t I learn on the job how to operate a walkie-talkie? And handing out supplies doesn’t require that much expertise–just access to the goods and transportation capabilities, which the U.S. military in all its potential radiant glory has!”

    “Uh, right,” Randy said. “But you really do need to know how to shoot straight so you don’t hit one of your 68,000 fellow soldiers on accident. You know, friendly fire never looks good.”

    “68,000? There are already that many soldiers there? That’s, like, a heck of a lot! We must be doing lots of short-term, high-impact, shock-and-awe emergency relief sort of good! But I read in Time this week that they’re expecting ranks to swell to only 11,000 on the ground.”

    “Only 11,000? In Afghanistan?”

    “In Haiti. You know, strictly humanitarian. I want to go to Haiti and other places and use your equipment to reach people who need help fast. Just think of the military’s capabilities! Swoop in, give food, water, help, access to medical attention, and start rebuilding! No other relief agency anywhere can match it!”

    “Oh. Um. Can you call back later?”

  • goodbadi

    Shameless Commerce: That Wood Basket

    Back in November, after I reviewed so shamelessly the wood basket offered for my critique, someone said they wondered if what I’d written was even a review. Pretty much all I’d written about was getting the basket, putting it together, and how shiny it was. Here’s a follow up:

    So far, the wood basket has held up to my beating of large loads of logs. For a while, though, the little handle nuts kept loosening, so I Gorilla glued them in place and now they seem to be holding. The basket also squats–or sags–under its heavy loads. I never carry it loaded over my feet for fear it will collapse and deposit the firewood onto my toes.

    But it’s still in one piece, and if I’d clean it, it’d still be shiny.

    Before actually going out and purchasing any goodbadi-reviewed item, please email goodbadiblog@gmail.com to confirm that the reviewed item or service features include longevity.

  • goodbadi

    New Low

    I rode on Monday, at 15 degrees. My colleague thought I was joking after I said yes to his “Was that you I saw riding this morning? Please tell me that wasn’t you.” but I wasn’t.

    I sheltered my gloves and lined my sneakers with plastic grocery bags, a stunt I have little faith in but will probably repeat anyway on the next cold morning–yesterday when I rode, at 21 degrees, I felt even colder, without the bags.

    Today will feel tropical at 27 degrees. I’m hoping.

  • goodbadi

    Birthday #2

    “How old are you now?” I like to ask N.

    “I’m five,” she says, grinning.

    “No, you’re not,” I scold. “You’re two. How old are you?”

    “I’m two,” she says.

    She did enjoy her birthday party and presents, even though just before we got it going her very sleepy little head was slumping rather dramatically.

  • goodbadi

    Prime

    It’s the stuff of Alison Krauss’s recording of But You Know I Love You, of a barefooted dash to the compost bin across a back yard covered with a foot of snow, of a bittersweet waking up wanting to burst for the sheerest of happinesses even while crying.

    A few weeks ago in a faculty meeting a writing teacher had us write to a prompt; one that listed prime numbers and asked what mine was. I wrote about 31, my age: I’m healthy, wealthy, and surrounded by all that is good, so much so that sometimes it hurts.

    My dad’s back-pain immobilization on Saturday (earlier in the day of the birthday bash; in the video, he’s sitting in a rocking chair at the dinner table) drove home what I’d already known even as I find effortless the noticing of wonders around me: that even the best of living can instantly–and inevitably will–deteriorate. It’s knowledge that makes me crave soaking up my good life even as I mourn its certain hardships.

    The dream I awoke from one morning this week mirrored what I awake so often find myself doing: simply marveling, overwhelmed to tears, at our daughter. (As my mom has said in real life, “How can you stand it?”)

    Once, back in the eighties, Mom found Dad sitting in a rocking chair listening to a record and humming along with Mary Hopkins’s Those Were the Days.

    “What were your ‘days’?” she asked him.

    “These are,” he said.

    And these sure feel like they’re mine.

  • goodbadi

    Holy Snow! and Another Off-the-Cuff Religous Thought

    I’m still enjoying this snow we’ve had, but probably not as much as those holier than I, and so I couldn’t resist linking to this image–even though my sister-in-law beat me to it.

    In the meantime, I’m with the U.K. priest when it comes to okaying certain shoplifting scenarios. I’m also with the commenter who recalled the quote from the priceless O Brother, Where Art Thou?: “Even if that did square with the Lord, the state of Mississippi is a little more hard nosed.” I’m also with the police, who said that people “should turn to charitable organizations and government agencies for help, rather than take matters into their own hands…. To do this would make the downward spiral even more rapid, both on an individual basis and on society as a whole.” But mostly I’m with the priest: “The point I’m making is that when we shut down every socially acceptable avenue for people in need, then the only avenue left is the socially unacceptable one.”