At skit by Christopher Clymer Kurtz based on Luke 2, with special lines credit to Les Miserables and the Beatles

At home having a conversation:
DAVE (a dad)
JOHN (a son)

Traveling home from the Passover festival:
MARY (Jesus’s mom)
JOSEPH (Jesus’s dad)

At the temple:
JESUS (12 years old)
SIMEON (very old)
MR. RELIGIOUS TEACHER

*****

JOHN: Dad, tell me what Jesus was like when he was little. All about him.

DAVE: All about him, when he was little? Alright, then: “Jesus the Kid.” You know he was born in a manger, right?

JOHN: Oh, yeah, I know that. Inns with no room, angels flying around singing, shepherds bowing, cows mooing, and a couple years later, even magi–those were people who thought they were important, right?–bringing him gifts like gold and frankincense and myrrh. Awesome birthday gifts. How come you’ve never given me gold for my birthday?

DAVE: Because. And you remember that when he was eight days old he was circumcised and named Jesus?

JOHN: Yes, of course. (Pause) He was what?

DAVE: You mean “circumcised”? What is “circumcised”?

JOHN: Yes. It’s in the Bible lots of times. I think it means to draw a circle around someone.

DAVE: Well, sort of. It means to cut off the skin that a male baby is born with at the end of his penis. Jewish people thought that it was really important to do that, a sign of following God.

JOHN: Ouch. So they did that to Jesus?

DAVE: It’s in the Bible.

JOHN: Poor kid.

DAVE: And you remember when he was taken as a baby to the temple to be purified, and Joseph and Mary had to offer a sacrifice, which was a pair of turtledoves or two young pigeons? There was a man Simeon, who came and held the baby Jesus in his arms and he said–

*****

SIMEON: Excuse me just a moment, Joseph and Mary….I need to hold your baby.

MARY: What? You can’t just—

JOSEPH: Shhhhh…….Let it be.

SIMEON (taking the baby): Master, now you can dismiss your servant in peace, according to your word; for my eyes have seen your salvation, which you have prepared in the presence of all peoples, a light for revelation to the Gentiles and for glory to your people Israel. This child is destined for the falling and the rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be opposed so that the inner thoughts of many will be revealed—and a sword will pierce your own soul too. Let it be.

JOSEPH: What’s he talking about?

MARY: Shhhhh…..Let it be.

*****

DAVE: And there was also a woman named Anna, who was of great age–

JOHN: That means really old, right?

DAVE: Really, really old, in fact. And she stayed in the temple all the time, night and day, fasting–

JOHN: Eating no food?

DAVE: Right. And she never left the temple.

JOHN: She stayed in the temple all the time and never ate or left?

DAVE: That’s what the Bible says: “always.”

JOHN: Wow. Makes you wonder what she was up to. Didn’t she ever have to go to the bathroom?

DAVE: Guess not.

JOHN: You mean she just fasted, and never ate?

DAVE: Yup! According to the Bible, anyway.

JOHN: Amazing.

DAVE: Anyway, she said to Mary and Joseph something about how Jesus would be the redemption of Jerusalem.

JOHN: Who is JayRoo Salem?

DAVE: It’s a city. But it was a metaphor that meant “for all people.” Anna was saying that Jesus would be for all people.

JOHN: Then what happened? I mean, after they killed the pigeons and got Jesus back from Simeon? Did Jesus start preaching?

DAVE: Not yet—he was still just a baby. He didn’t preach until years later. But once, when he was twelve, something did happen….

*****

JOSEPH (dourly): Well, that was something, wasn’t it–as usual. Another sermon or three or seven, lots of food that takes me back to the days of manna, and lots of dust and sheep blood and people being so holy I almost think old Yahweh should meet with the planning committee right now and make a few suggestions. It’s a festival, for crying out loud. Where was the bluegrass music? Where was the pink lemonade? I’m ready for home. Let’s go.

MARY: It wasn’t that bad, was it? This is such an important event. Think of our boys, and how formative it is for them. Let it be, Joseph, let it be.

JOSEPH: I’ll try. Now I just need to think of my tired feet and walking for days on end. Left-right-left-right-left-right…. (stops) Mary, you think the boys really go for that kind of stuff, religious festivals and all? I suppose Jesus would, but the others?

MARY: I do, Joseph, I do. Now keep walking.

JOSEPH: I just wish we could stay home one year, instead of walking and walking and festivaling and festivaling and then walking and wal…..

MARY (exasperated): Joseph–Let it be. When you find yourself in these situations, these…times of trouble, just let it be. We’ll be okay.

JOSEPH: Words of wisdom, Mary. You’re speaking words of wisdom. (Pause) Maybe we should ask the boys what they think about the festival. I’d love to hear Jesus’ thoughts about it, for sure. But I know if I ask him he’ll have some weird answer that sounds more like a story or question than an answer. (Shakes head) That kid.

MARY: Why don’t you ask them? Jesus, too?

JOSEPH: I guess I could. But I don’t know where they are. Oh, over there they are. But I don’t know where Jesus is. I hope–

MARY: He’s not with the others?

JOSEPH: Didn’t see him. But you’ve got him in your heart, right? So you don’t always need to see him? I was saying, I hope he isn’t up to one of his shenanigans. Remember the summer he turned five, and we had to pull him off the priests’ fee table? He kept yelling, “Pestilentations! Pestilentations!” over and over again. And that’s not even a real word in the English language!

MARY: And the funny thing is, we spoke Hebrew at the time. Stop making things up, Joseph.

JOSEPH: How about the other time, when he was eight, when he found a bare patch of ground out in front of the temple, and he started writing in the dust. People gathered around to see what he was writing, but quickly moved along when they saw he was writing their names in the sand, and beside their names, their deepest, darkest secrets. Remember how your old aunt Lydethuselah grabbed her hair and screamed, and ran off?

MARY: Poor, poor Lydethuselah. Enough stories, Joseph. But I would have expected…. You’re sure he’s not with the others?

JOSEPH: Who, Jesus? Can’t see him. But he’ll turn up. He usually does, right where we least expect him. You know, just the other day I saw my cousin Alfred, who always lies and cheats and steals, and there was Jesus, just out of nowhere.

MARY (calling): Hey boys! Have you seen Jesus anywhere? What? No!? Not since Jerusalem? (Frantically turns to Joseph) They haven’t seen him since Jerusalem, Joseph. What are we going to do?

JOSEPH: Great. Don’t tell me he stayed behind.

MARY: I think he stayed behind.

JOSEPH: We’ve been walking for a whole day already–you mean I have to go back to find him? I prefer “pestilentations.”

*****

DAVE: It took them a day to walk back to Jerusalem, plus another day or two looking for him in the crowds around the temple until they actually found him.

JOHN: I wonder if he’d been scared about being left behind.

DAVE: Jesus was left behind, sort of, but I don’t think he was really left behind. I think he actually chose to stay behind.

JOHN: Why? Wasn’t he as tired of the religious festivals as Joseph was?

DAVE: I guess not. In fact, when Joseph and Mary found him, Jesus was in his element.

*****

JOSEPH: Excuse me, Mr. Religious Teacher, is that not my son over there, sitting and listening and…. What? Answering questions? Jesus? You’re kidding, right? He’s answering questions? (Pulls Jesus aside.) Jesus, What are you doing here! It’s taken us days to find you!

JESUS: Dad, don’t get so up–

MR. RELIGIOUS TEACHER: Sir, if I can interject, I must say that this young boy’s understanding—and his answers to our questions–are really quite amazing. He is quite the young theologian.

JOSEPH: Yes, well, he apparently has an “inside scoop”–which I would have thought meant he would obey his parents.

MARY: We are very, very proud of him. But Jesus, Why have you treated us like this? Look, your father and I have been searching for you in great anxiety.

JESUS: Why were you searching for me? Didn’t you know that I must be in the temple, in my Father’s house?

JOSEPH: I do not know whether I no longer understand English, or whether you no longer speak it; but the fact is that I do not understand.

MARY: Let it be, Joseph. Let it be.

JOSEPH: Okay. Come along, my obedient son.

MARY: You’re such a treasure, Jesus, down in my heart.

JESUS: Goodbye, temple guys! I’ll be back!

*****

DAVE: And that’s pretty much all we know about when Jesus was a kid, plus that he went home with his parents and was obedient, and that he increased in wisdom, and that people and God both respected him.

Scripture Mash Up: Isaiah 56:1, 6-8, Psalm 67, Romans 11:1-2, 29-32, Matthew 15:10-28 (NRSV), Spice Girls

Characters: Jesus, Canaanite Woman, Peter

*****

JESUS (teaching): Hey, folks, now listen. Seriously, what is it that makes a person “bad” or not?

PETER: Not following religious rules? Crossing boundaries?

JESUS: Not necessarily. It is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but it is what comes out of the mouth that defiles.

PETER: I’m not sure what you meant by that, Jesus, but I can see you’re ruffling some Pharisaical feathers over yonder.

JESUS: Let them lead themselves into a pit. That’s how it works, you know: Every plant that my heavenly Father has not planted will be uprooted. Let them alone; they are blind guides of the blind. And if one blind person guides another, both will fall into a pit. Then maybe they’ll see how much of a problem they are–for themselves.

PETER: Heh, heh. I can’t wait to see this. Where’s the pit? I want to watch.

JESUS: Peter, listen. Hey everyone, keep listening! We are all at a crossroads. What does God really want? I tell you what he wants, what he really, really wants: As Isaiah wrote, maintain justice and do what is right; God will bring all people–foreigners included–to him. All people are God’s people, and the temple will be a house of prayer for all peoples! For outcasts, too! Remember that Psalm? It goes like this:
1 May God be gracious to us and bless us
   and make his face to shine upon us,

CANAANITE WOMAN (interrupting): Selah!

JESUS: 2 that your way may be known upon earth,
   your saving power among all nations.
3 Let the peoples praise you, O God;
   let all the peoples praise you.
4 Let the nations be glad and sing for joy,
   for you judge the peoples with equity
   and guide the nations upon earth.

CANAANITE WOMAN (interrupting): Selah!

JESUS: 5 Let the peoples praise you, O God;
   let all the peoples praise you.
6 The earth has yielded its increase;
   God, our God, has blessed us.
7 May God continue to bless us;
   let all the ends of the earth revere him.

CANAANITE WOMAN (interrupting): Selah!

PETER: Okay, so God loves all people. Right. But tell us again, what did you mean when you said, “It is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but it is what comes out of the mouth that defiles”?

JESUS: You still don’t get this? For Pete’s sake, sometimes you’re as blind as the Pharisees, Peter. Do you not see that whatever goes into the mouth enters the stomach, and goes out into the sewer? But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this is what defiles. Let’s talk about some examples. What comes out of your mouth from your heart and defiles?

PETER: Cheesy Valentine’s Day poems?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You think you’re so cute
But I can’t stand you.

JESUS: Right! But even more so, evil intentions! Murder! Adultery!

CANAANITE WOMAN (interrupting): Oh, I get it! Prejudice! Discriminatory practices! Thinking that other people are somehow worth less than you!

JESUS: Fornication! Theft!

CANAANITE WOMAN (interrupting): Prejudice! Discrimination! Thinking that other people are somehow worth less than you!

JESUS: False witness! And slander!

CANAANITE WOMAN (interrupting): Prejudice! Discrimination! Thinking that other people are somehow worth less than you!

JESUS: These things that I listed are what defile a person, not failing to observe silly ceremonial rules about eating.

PETER: I think I understand now. This is all about mercy, about including everyone in God’s love. Whew. Got it. But Jesus, it’s time we leave this place and to to Tyre and Sidon.

JESUS: Yes, let’s–

CANAANITE WOMAN: Wait! Wait a minute! Have mercy on me, Lord, Son of David; my daughter is tormented by a demon!

JESUS: I’m ready when you are, Peter. I’m feeling rather tormented, myself. Tyre and Sidon, here we come!

CANAANITE WOMAN (interrupting): But Jesus! Wait!

PETER: Just ignore that Canaanite lady, Jesus. Why’s she shouting, anyway? We’d best move along.

JESUS: We’d best. After all, I was sent only to the lost sheep of the house of Israel.

CANAANITE WOMAN (approaching and kneeling): Sir, help me!

JESUS: But it is not fair to take the children’s food and throw it to the dogs.

CANAANITE WOMAN: Dogs? Dogs? Is that what you think of me and my people? As somehow less than anyone else? (Pause) But think, Sir, even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters’ tables.

JESUS (taken aback): Yes. I see now. God’s people are all people; God’s love is for all people. Woman, great is your faith! Let it be done for you as you wish.

Exploited from John 4:1-28 (NRSV)

Moses Joseph (TV show host, at table)
Yellow Green (TV reporter, with notebook)
Jesus (thirsty)
Samaritan woman (with water jar)
Disciple 1
Disciple 2 (John, with notebook)
Commercial voice

MOSES JOSEPH: Good morning, this is the Jewish Events World Service “MJ’s Pharisee Morning” morning report. I’m your host Moses Joseph, and we start our JEWS News this morning with an update about Jesus.

Perhaps you’ve heard of Jesus; this is the guy who is going around baptizing people. This morning we learned that he is now making and baptizing more disciples than even John the Baptist.

Now, we all know that John isn’t going to be around long; he is just sticking his neck out too often, too far. Will Jesus be next to rile the wrong roosters? What do you think?

And please “like” me on Facebook this morning, and follow me on Twitter, and then tell me: Are you serious about seeking purity? Do you close your eyes whenever you see a woman approaching? Do you have the bruises to show it, from running into things every time a daughter of Eve passes? Are you a–Heh, heh–Phari-BLIND? Send me your selfie, with bruises, to MJ at JEWSNews.com or upload to JewishSelfies.net.

But back to Jesus. We’ve learned that he has left Judea and started towards Galilee, and have embedded one of our now-baptized reporters with his band of disciples. Let’s go to him now. Yellow Green, are you there?

YELLOW GREEN: Yes, thank you, Mr. Joseph. I’m standing this morning—

MJ: By the way, Yellow Green, what were your parents thinking, anyway, naming you a color? But you were saying?

YG: I’m standing this morning in the middle of a road somewhere near the middle of nowhere. My hair’s very dry now even though I was baptized earlier today, because it’s very hot and dusty out here, and we’re all a bit tired and cranky.

MJ: What was that like, to be baptized by this “Jesus”? Would you say this baptism is more about ritual cleansing, or conversion, or freedom from oppression?

YG: Yes. Well, I should clarify that Jesus himself does not baptize, but his disciples baptize. I haven’t figured out yet if that’s because he doesn’t like water, or because he doesn’t like getting his hands wet.

MJ: But let’s look at what this Jesus guy has done with his life so far. So far in the Book of John he has been baptized himself, gathered a motley crew of disciples, turned water into wine, threw out the business people in the temple, visited with Pharisees and Jews, said he has control over everything, and not baptized people.

YG: Very interesting.

MJ: So…what are you going to do next–after you’re done standing in the middle of the road?

YG: I haven’t heard for sure, but as you know, the road to Galilee goes through Samaria. I’m doing my best to be ready to insulate myself against the uncleanliness of this mixed-breed land, but I’ve heard other disciples saying they’re so thirsty and hungry they wouldn’t be above a Sychar Saccharine Slurpee this morning, and they might head over to the nearest Samaritan Station for one.

MJ: Of course you, Yellow Green, as a true-blue Jew and employee of JEWS News, wouldn’t dare taste that poison, though! We’ll be back in a moment.

COMMERCIAL: Hey there, Pharisee. Tired of running into things whenever a woman approaches and so you have to shut your eyes? Try a padded, no-see-anything, full-body covering from Jerusalem Outfitters. Not only will you not have to shut your eyes because you can’t see anyway; with these styrofoam-lined, recycled feed sacks, running into desks, tables, and chairs is actually kind of fun. Bye-bye, bruises! Jerusalem Outfitters: We serve all seven classes of Pharisees.

MJ: We’re back this morning on JEWS News, talking with our reporter-embedded-as-a-disciple Yellow Green, who is traveling with Jesus and his real disciples. Hello, Yellow Green?

YG: Yes. We are now approaching the Samaritan city of Sychar. You’ll remember that this is where Jacob’s well is located, so it’s a very holy spot. In fact, it looks like Jesus is going to rest here while some of those disciples I mentioned earlier go get their midday Slurpees.

MJ: This is near the plot of ground that Jacob gave to Joseph, right?

YG: That’s right–it’s a very holy spot for all of us believers.

MJ: So what’s it like to be resting with Jesus?

YG: Well, nothing’s happening at the moment. His eyes are closed; I think he’s snoozing. Off in the distance I see a person coming; it looks like a woman, so I’d better shut my eyes. But I’ll leave my microphone on and camera running so you can see what exactly is going on.

MJ: And I’ll just listen, because when there’s a woman on the screen, I shut my eyes, too. Or put on my no-see-’em feed sack.

(Samaritan woman approaches the well near Jesus.)

JESUS: Hey. Uh, Would you give me a drink, please?

SAMARITAN WOMAN: How is it that you, a Jew, ask a drink of me, a woman of Samaria? Most Jewish men won’t even look at me.

JESUS: But look: If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, “Give me a drink,” you would have asked him…me, I mean…and he…I, I mean…would have given you living water. In other words, you don’t know the favor I’m granting you by asking you to do something for me.

SW (putting down water jar): You’re doing me a favor by asking me to do you a favor? Sir, the well is deep. Where do you get that “living water”? Are you greater than our ancestor Jacob, who gave us the well, and with his sons and his flocks drank from it?

JESUS: Look. Are you thirsty? Yes? Weren’t you thirsty yesterday, too, and got a drink, but here you are, thirsty again? That doesn’t happen to people who drink the water I give them. The water that I will give will become in them a spring of water gushing up to eternal life.

SW: But…you’re thirsty today. Don’t you drink the living water, too?

JESUS: That’s not quite what I mean.

SW: Fine. Give me this water, so that I may never be thirsty or have to keep coming here to draw water. Please.

JESUS: Go, call your husband, and come back.

SW: I have no husband.

JESUS: You are right in saying, “I have no husband”; for you have had five husbands, and the one you have now is not your husband. What you have said is true!

SW: How did you know that? I see you are a prophet.

JESUS: (shrugs shoulders)

SW: Here’s a question for you, prophet sir: Our ancestors worshiped on this mountain, but you Jews say that the place where people must worship is in Jerusalem.

JESUS: Woman, believe me, the hour is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. You worship what you do not know; we worship what we know, for salvation is from the Jews. But the hour is coming, and is now here, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for the Father seeks such as these to worship him. God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth.

SW: You sure act like you know a lot. What I know is that the Messiah is coming. When he comes, he will proclaim all things to us.

JESUS: That’s me.

(Disciples enter.)

DISCIPLE 1: Dude, Jesus is talking to a woman.

DISCIPLE 2: How did you know. Are you looking?

D1: No, my eyes are–ouch! What was that?

D2: The edge of the well. Come this way so you don’t drop your Slurpee in.

(They stumble to right in front of Jesus and the woman, their eyes still “closed.” The woman leaves to go back to town without her water jar.)

D1: Why’s he talking to a woman?

D2: I sure don’t know. Why don’t you ask him? Just say, “Jesus, Why are you talking to a woman? What do you want?”

D1: I think she’s leaving. Want to take a peek to make sure?

D2: I’ll look at the ground, for shadows.

D1: But it’s midday–you’ll see her feet right when you see her shadow.

D2: Women have feet?

D1: How would I know? But I can’t hear anything, so let’s both open our eyes on three. One – two – three.

(They open their eyes and realize they’re standing right in front of Jesus.)

D1&2: Uh, Hello, Jesus. Uh, want some Slurpee?

JESUS: Hey, guys. No, I’ve got my own sugar going on. (Puzzled) But I am still thirsty–I asked that woman for a drink but she started getting all theological on me and forgot about it. Yellow Green, she left her water jar. Can you fill it at the well, please?

YG: Sorry sir, I can’t. I’m writing down some notes.

JESUS: John, How about you?

D2: Nope, sorry–notes. And look: now you’ve interrupted my train of thought.

D1: I’ll do it.

YG: Back to you, Moses Joseph.

MJ (snoring loudly, then waking up, startled): Wha–Is she gone? Can I open my eyes? I think I totally missed something here, Yellow Green. What’s the takeaway? Oh, hey: Our time is up! Now let’s get to those selfies of bruised Pharisees, but right after this message.

COMMERCIAL: Sychar Saccharine Slurpees: Sensationally sweet. Now trending in. We’re not kosher; we’re Samaritan.

At a recent church meeting my denomination’s quagmirical impasse–what to do about “our brothers and sisters” in the LGBTQ community–kind of set me off.

Specifically, just reading a statement from the denomination’s executive board responding to a certain church’s licensing of a pastor who is in a same-sex relationship left me asthmatic–I find politics mixed with God-talk generally wearying–and has caused me to elevate to near-doctrine status our church’s simple motto: Sharing and growing together in Christ.

The inclusion–as members or pastors or anything–of LGBTQ folk by churches in my denomination is a line in the sand for many people. Because I have had few relevant interactions (particularly at church) with gay people, if I speak out for or against anything related to LGBTQ church issues, I must add that I really don’t know what I’m talking about.

What makes church meaningful for me is meeting with people who are similarly interested in learning how to “walk in the light,” whether that means taking care of each other or being challenged to respond to burglars in a peaceful way or choosing to value a variety of people and their perspectives simply because in the big scheme of things they are just as important as I think I am. We accept the questions posed by Jesus–and lots of other people, too–as central to our discussion, and from there share and grow together.

In that context of sharing and growing (rather than parsing policy and divining divisive doctrine) it seems to me that if the people of a congregation trust and respect someone–LGBTQ or not–enough to want that someone to be their pastor, I suspect it’s probably best to join Gamaliel in the spirit of his spoken one-minute moment of Biblical fame: “Leave these men alone! Let them go! For if their purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail. But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourselves fighting against God.”

If a concern is that following Gamaliel’s advice (by allowing a fellow denominational church move out of a certain comfort zone to affirm someone’s pastoral work) is toeing a slippery slope toward universal destruction, then maybe it’s worth adding that just because somewhere a church in my denomination decides to have a pastor who is LGBTQ does not mean that all at once all churches will be taken over by gay pastors. Pastors are chosen by congregations because their leadership is valued, however that looks to each church; the expansion of our own understandings and comfortabilities is something that can happen as we learn to love and value all people who happen to enter our little spheres–in other words, in the context of personal relationships.

Denominationally speaking, I like an idea that I’ve learned isn’t my own: Let churches be a federation, joining together and networking for common purposes but retaining their own understandings of “sharing and growing.” As Jesus learned and modeled, it is through personal relationships within and across boundaries–and not through institutional hierarchy or mission statements or statements of faith–that true accountability exists and spirituality can make a positive impact.

Exploited from Luke 2:1-20 (The Message)

CHARACTERS
Caesar Augustus
Servant
Joseph
Mary
Angel 1
Angel 2
Angel 3
Angel 4
Angel choir
Shepherd 1
Shepherd 2
Shepherd 3

SCENES
Caesar’s palace
Road to Bethlehem
Sheep field
Stable with manger

SCENE 1: CAESAR’S PALACE

Caesar Augustus: How great is my domain, the domain of Caesar Augustus! How far reaching is my sphere of influence!

Servant: Not little, Caesar’s. Good questions, my lord.

Caesar Augustus (crisply): Those weren’t questions. They were statements.

Servant: Good statements, my lord.

Caesar Augustus: Yes, thank you.

Awkward pause

Caesar Augustus: So… How great is my domain? How far reaching is my sphere of influence? How many people are under my immense jurisdiction?

Servant: It’s not little, Caesar’s. Excellent questions, my lord.

Caesar Augustus: Let’s have a census, shall we? Knowledge is power, after all, and I want more! Send everyone throughout my empire back to their ancestral hometowns to be counted, like sheep.

Servant: Every last person?

Caesar Augustus: Other than royalty, yes.

Servant: Any exceptions? For sickness, or the death of an immediate family member? I know non-essential federal employees can be spared, but how about the essential ones?

Caesar Augustus: Nope. No exceptions, except for my closest friends and family. Not even for pregnant ladies about to give birth.

Servant: It is their fault that they’re pregnant, after all. Excellent judgment, my lord.

Caesar Augustus: Yes! I’m glad we so easily reached consensus on the census.

SCENE 2: ROAD TO BETHLEHEM

Joseph: Come on, you old mule-brained piece of worthless horse wannabe.

Mary: I told you we should have bought that dappled gray instead of this dull gray donkey.

Joseph: Yeah, yeah. But in your state, you’d need a team of Clydesdales.

Mary: Come on now, Joseph, it’s not my fault I’m pregnant.

Joseph: Nor mine.

Mary: But be nice, love. It’s Christmas, after all.

Joseph: It’s what, Mary? “Christmas”? Okay, I’m sorry. I’m just really stressed.

Mary: Me, too–ooomph, I wonder if I’ve been having contractions.

Joseph: Really? What are we going to do?

Mary: Maybe they’re just Braxton Hicks. They sometimes….ooomph, there’s another one. Where’s my diary? I want to record everything that’s happening.

Joseph: There’s an inn. I’ll see if we can sleep here tonight.

SCENE 3: SHEEP FIELD

Shepherd 1: Brrr. It’s cold tonight.

Shepherd 2: But clear. Look at those stars.

Shepherd 3: Lots of meteorites tonight.

Shepherd 2: You mean meteors? They’re only meteorites once they’ve hit the ground.

Shepherd 1: Or you could call them meteoroids, if they’re still in space or if they hit the ground, or if they’re streaking across the sky like meteors.

Shepherd 3: Yup. Lots of ‘em. Look at those big ones!

Angel 1: Don’t be afraid.

Angel 2: I’m here to announce a great and joyful event that is meant for everybody, worldwide!

Angel 3: A Savior has just been born in David’s town, a Savior who is Messiah and Master.

Angel 4: This is what you’re to look for: a baby wrapped in a blanket and lying in a manger.

Angel choir: “Gloria, Gloria, Gloria”

Shepherd 1: Wow. That was so cool. Should we go to Bethlehem?

Shepherd 3: What about the sheep? They need a manager, too.

Shepherd 2: They said manger, not manager. Yes! Right now! Let’s go!

Shepherd 3: But what about the sheep manager?

Shepherd 1: Forget the sheep, wool brain! Let’s go!

SCENE 4: STABLE WITH MANGER

Mary, Joseph and angels sing “Baby Jesus.”


Shepherds arrive at the stable and look in.

Shepherd 1: Look! There’s the baby and his mom Mary, and Joseph!

Shepherd 2: Just like the angel said.

Shepherd 3: But where’s the manager?

Shepherd 1: Let’s tell everyone what we’ve seen! Come on!