The Day I Joined the Military: A Fictional Account of Something That Never Happened

It finally got to me, so today I took the first step for making a positive contribution to the world.

It actually started way back in 1998 when my sister and brother-in-law were in Nicaragua during Hurricane Mitch. They weren’t coastal residents, but their normally fragile communication links were wiped out by the storm, so no one in my family knew for several days how they’d been affected. When we finally heard from them, and that they were fine, they told us that we’d not been the only ones concerned–a U.S. military helicopter had flown over their house, just checking in.

A military helicopter? I turned to my communal housemates there on our pacifist campus, tears streaming down my face. “It makes me want to enlist,” I said. “After all, the military does have the equipment to help out in these situations.”

And now the earthquake in Haiti has happened, and again the U.S. military has rushed to the rescue. According to Time last Wednesday, “Some 800 Marines moved ashore Tuesday in Haiti, ferrying supplies on helicopters and Humvees as the U.S. military force there swelled to as many as 11,000. Military officials said troops and supplies were arriving as fast as possible despite daunting logistical hurdles. Army Maj. Gen. Daniel Allyn, the deputy commander for military operations in Haiti, said the military has delivered more than 400,000 bottles of water and 300,000 food rations since last Tuesday’s earthquake.”

Sign me up! I thought when I read this. Let me be the compassionate arm of the U.S. government! Give me a machine gun or even just a water bottle!

After a sleepless night during which I told M none of my intentions, today I called up a local recruiter I know. He actually comes to my school and speaks at our pep rallies about valor, courage, and cool weaponry, so he was eager to talk to me.

“Say, Randy,” I said. “I want to sign up for the Marines. I want to go to Haiti right now.”

“Sure,” he said. “Let me get your info.” I obligingly answered his questions: I’m straight, I’ve never been convicted of murder, I’m pro-life, winning a Nobel Peace Prize sounds good to me, and yes, Diet Coke heated in the desert probably wouldn’t be too bad for me to stomach, although why would I ever be deployed to a desert somewhere when Haiti’s just around the corner?

“Do you speak Pashtun?” he asked. “No? Arabic? Korean? No? OK, uh, how about, do you read any of those languages?”

“Nope,” I said. “But why does that matter? Bottled water and goodwill gestures need no spoken words. Love is the International Language.”

“Right,” he said. “Now, how much experience do you have with guns?”

By this time, so in a hurry was I to begin dispensing relief to our needy neighbors, I’d just begun to tell him the answers I thought he wanted to hear. “Lots, since I used to be a rabid hunter. And I shot a tin can on my first try with a .22 revolver.”

“Good, good,” he said. “You’ll make an excellent Marine. We’ll sign you up for boot camp starting next week.”

“Next week? Boot camp?” I asked, rather incredulously. “But the Haitians need help now!  I don’t have time to train. I’m a good driver–can’t I drive a big truck without boot camp? Can’t I learn on the job how to operate a walkie-talkie? And handing out supplies doesn’t require that much expertise–just access to the goods and transportation capabilities, which the U.S. military in all its potential radiant glory has!”

“Uh, right,” Randy said. “But you really do need to know how to shoot straight so you don’t hit one of your 68,000 fellow soldiers on accident. You know, friendly fire never looks good.”

“68,000? There are already that many soldiers there? That’s, like, a heck of a lot! We must be doing lots of short-term, high-impact, shock-and-awe emergency relief sort of good! But I read in Time this week that they’re expecting ranks to swell to only 11,000 on the ground.”

“Only 11,000? In Afghanistan?”

“In Haiti. You know, strictly humanitarian. I want to go to Haiti and other places and use your equipment to reach people who need help fast. Just think of the military’s capabilities! Swoop in, give food, water, help, access to medical attention, and start rebuilding! No other relief agency anywhere can match it!”

“Oh. Um. Can you call back later?”