NEWS ANCHORS 1 & 2 are seated at a NEWS TABLE
MATT GOODNEWS and JOSEPH are “on the street”
CHOIR is by the piano
ANCHOR 1: Good morning! You’re watching Universe Global News Network.
ANCHOR 2: Our program today is about engagement etiquette.
ANCHOR 1: Rule number 1: Ladies, don’t get pregnant before you’re married.
ANCHOR 2: Rule number 2: Ladies, don’t get pregnant by someone other than your fiance before you’re married.
ANCHOR 1: Yeah, anyway.
ANCHOR 2: Hey, are there any rules for the guys in all this?
ANCHOR 1 (flipping through a rule book): Uh, let’s see. Just one: Get rid of pregnant girls.
ANCHOR 2: Not bad, not bad. Hey, check this out, folks–we’ve got news for you this morning.
ANCHOR 1: But first, let’s take a quick break.
(CHOIR SINGS A VERSE OF A CHRISTMAS SONG.)
ANCHOR 1: Let’s go now to the streets. Matt Goodnews, are you there?
MATT (on the street, with Joseph): I’m here with Joseph. He is one peeved mister, my friends. His girl is pregnant, and he’s ready to boot her booty.
JOSEPH: It’s not quite like that.
MATT: Well, I’d be mad, too. You’d think Mary would have known better, right?
JOSEPH: Well, see, it wasn’t really her fault.
MATT: Don’t you feel a little bit foolish, Joe, marrying these damaged goods? Back to you, studio.
ANCHOR 1: What a social dweeb.
ANCHOR 2: Yeah, Joseph’s not standing up for himself at all.
ANCHOR 1: Wimp. He’s a wimp. How about another break.
(CHOIR SINGS A VERSE OF A CHRISTMAS SONG.)
ANCHOR 2: You know, I was thinking during the break, “What in God’s name is Joseph thinking, marrying Mary? God!
ANCHOR 1: With us now, again, is Matt Goodnews. What’s up, Matt?
MATT (with Joseph): Angels, apparently. After I signed off last time, Joe here started telling me about this dream he had, with angels and stuff, saying things like that baby’s name needs to be Jesus. That’s why Joseph is marrying Mary–because the angel told him to.
ANCHOR 2: Basically he’s crazy not because he’s marrying Mary, but because he hears voices and acts based on his dreams.
MATT: Pretty much. It reminds me of the time my little brother put a tape player under my pillow and in the morning I gave him my piggy bank. Boy, did I feel like the wool had been pulled over my eyes.
(CHOIR SINGS A VERSE OF A CHRISTMAS SONG.)
ANCHOR 1: Thanks, Matt. This story is a time bomb just waiting to explode.
ANCHOR 2: It is pregnancy, after all.
ANCHOR 1: And thanks to you, viewers, for tuning in to Universe Global News Network.
ANCHOR 2: Go in peace.
ANCHOR 1 (startled): What?
(CHOIR SINGS A VERSE OF A CHRISTMAS SONG.)