Exploited from John 4:1-28 (NRSV)
Moses Joseph (TV show host, at table)
Yellow Green (TV reporter, with notebook)
Jesus (thirsty)
Samaritan woman (with water jar)
Disciple 1
Disciple 2 (John, with notebook)
Commercial voice
MOSES JOSEPH: Good morning, this is the Jewish Events World Service “MJ’s Pharisee Morning” morning report. I’m your host Moses Joseph, and we start our JEWS News this morning with an update about Jesus.
Perhaps you’ve heard of Jesus; this is the guy who is going around baptizing people. This morning we learned that he is now making and baptizing more disciples than even John the Baptist.
Now, we all know that John isn’t going to be around long; he is just sticking his neck out too often, too far. Will Jesus be next to rile the wrong roosters? What do you think?
And please “like” me on Facebook this morning, and follow me on Twitter, and then tell me: Are you serious about seeking purity? Do you close your eyes whenever you see a woman approaching? Do you have the bruises to show it, from running into things every time a daughter of Eve passes? Are you a–Heh, heh–Phari-BLIND? Send me your selfie, with bruises, to MJ at JEWSNews.com or upload to JewishSelfies.net.
But back to Jesus. We’ve learned that he has left Judea and started towards Galilee, and have embedded one of our now-baptized reporters with his band of disciples. Let’s go to him now. Yellow Green, are you there?
YELLOW GREEN: Yes, thank you, Mr. Joseph. I’m standing this morning—
MJ: By the way, Yellow Green, what were your parents thinking, anyway, naming you a color? But you were saying?
YG: I’m standing this morning in the middle of a road somewhere near the middle of nowhere. My hair’s very dry now even though I was baptized earlier today, because it’s very hot and dusty out here, and we’re all a bit tired and cranky.
MJ: What was that like, to be baptized by this “Jesus”? Would you say this baptism is more about ritual cleansing, or conversion, or freedom from oppression?
YG: Yes. Well, I should clarify that Jesus himself does not baptize, but his disciples baptize. I haven’t figured out yet if that’s because he doesn’t like water, or because he doesn’t like getting his hands wet.
MJ: But let’s look at what this Jesus guy has done with his life so far. So far in the Book of John he has been baptized himself, gathered a motley crew of disciples, turned water into wine, threw out the business people in the temple, visited with Pharisees and Jews, said he has control over everything, and not baptized people.
YG: Very interesting.
MJ: So…what are you going to do next–after you’re done standing in the middle of the road?
YG: I haven’t heard for sure, but as you know, the road to Galilee goes through Samaria. I’m doing my best to be ready to insulate myself against the uncleanliness of this mixed-breed land, but I’ve heard other disciples saying they’re so thirsty and hungry they wouldn’t be above a Sychar Saccharine Slurpee this morning, and they might head over to the nearest Samaritan Station for one.
MJ: Of course you, Yellow Green, as a true-blue Jew and employee of JEWS News, wouldn’t dare taste that poison, though! We’ll be back in a moment.
COMMERCIAL: Hey there, Pharisee. Tired of running into things whenever a woman approaches and so you have to shut your eyes? Try a padded, no-see-anything, full-body covering from Jerusalem Outfitters. Not only will you not have to shut your eyes because you can’t see anyway; with these styrofoam-lined, recycled feed sacks, running into desks, tables, and chairs is actually kind of fun. Bye-bye, bruises! Jerusalem Outfitters: We serve all seven classes of Pharisees.
MJ: We’re back this morning on JEWS News, talking with our reporter-embedded-as-a-disciple Yellow Green, who is traveling with Jesus and his real disciples. Hello, Yellow Green?
YG: Yes. We are now approaching the Samaritan city of Sychar. You’ll remember that this is where Jacob’s well is located, so it’s a very holy spot. In fact, it looks like Jesus is going to rest here while some of those disciples I mentioned earlier go get their midday Slurpees.
MJ: This is near the plot of ground that Jacob gave to Joseph, right?
YG: That’s right–it’s a very holy spot for all of us believers.
MJ: So what’s it like to be resting with Jesus?
YG: Well, nothing’s happening at the moment. His eyes are closed; I think he’s snoozing. Off in the distance I see a person coming; it looks like a woman, so I’d better shut my eyes. But I’ll leave my microphone on and camera running so you can see what exactly is going on.
MJ: And I’ll just listen, because when there’s a woman on the screen, I shut my eyes, too. Or put on my no-see-’em feed sack.
(Samaritan woman approaches the well near Jesus.)
JESUS: Hey. Uh, Would you give me a drink, please?
SAMARITAN WOMAN: How is it that you, a Jew, ask a drink of me, a woman of Samaria? Most Jewish men won’t even look at me.
JESUS: But look: If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, “Give me a drink,” you would have asked him…me, I mean…and he…I, I mean…would have given you living water. In other words, you don’t know the favor I’m granting you by asking you to do something for me.
SW (putting down water jar): You’re doing me a favor by asking me to do you a favor? Sir, the well is deep. Where do you get that “living water”? Are you greater than our ancestor Jacob, who gave us the well, and with his sons and his flocks drank from it?
JESUS: Look. Are you thirsty? Yes? Weren’t you thirsty yesterday, too, and got a drink, but here you are, thirsty again? That doesn’t happen to people who drink the water I give them. The water that I will give will become in them a spring of water gushing up to eternal life.
SW: But…you’re thirsty today. Don’t you drink the living water, too?
JESUS: That’s not quite what I mean.
SW: Fine. Give me this water, so that I may never be thirsty or have to keep coming here to draw water. Please.
JESUS: Go, call your husband, and come back.
SW: I have no husband.
JESUS: You are right in saying, “I have no husband”; for you have had five husbands, and the one you have now is not your husband. What you have said is true!
SW: How did you know that? I see you are a prophet.
JESUS: (shrugs shoulders)
SW: Here’s a question for you, prophet sir: Our ancestors worshiped on this mountain, but you Jews say that the place where people must worship is in Jerusalem.
JESUS: Woman, believe me, the hour is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. You worship what you do not know; we worship what we know, for salvation is from the Jews. But the hour is coming, and is now here, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for the Father seeks such as these to worship him. God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth.
SW: You sure act like you know a lot. What I know is that the Messiah is coming. When he comes, he will proclaim all things to us.
JESUS: That’s me.
(Disciples enter.)
DISCIPLE 1: Dude, Jesus is talking to a woman.
DISCIPLE 2: How did you know. Are you looking?
D1: No, my eyes are–ouch! What was that?
D2: The edge of the well. Come this way so you don’t drop your Slurpee in.
(They stumble to right in front of Jesus and the woman, their eyes still “closed.” The woman leaves to go back to town without her water jar.)
D1: Why’s he talking to a woman?
D2: I sure don’t know. Why don’t you ask him? Just say, “Jesus, Why are you talking to a woman? What do you want?”
D1: I think she’s leaving. Want to take a peek to make sure?
D2: I’ll look at the ground, for shadows.
D1: But it’s midday–you’ll see her feet right when you see her shadow.
D2: Women have feet?
D1: How would I know? But I can’t hear anything, so let’s both open our eyes on three. One – two – three.
(They open their eyes and realize they’re standing right in front of Jesus.)
D1&2: Uh, Hello, Jesus. Uh, want some Slurpee?
JESUS: Hey, guys. No, I’ve got my own sugar going on. (Puzzled) But I am still thirsty–I asked that woman for a drink but she started getting all theological on me and forgot about it. Yellow Green, she left her water jar. Can you fill it at the well, please?
YG: Sorry sir, I can’t. I’m writing down some notes.
JESUS: John, How about you?
D2: Nope, sorry–notes. And look: now you’ve interrupted my train of thought.
D1: I’ll do it.
YG: Back to you, Moses Joseph.
MJ (snoring loudly, then waking up, startled): Wha–Is she gone? Can I open my eyes? I think I totally missed something here, Yellow Green. What’s the takeaway? Oh, hey: Our time is up! Now let’s get to those selfies of bruised Pharisees, but right after this message.
COMMERCIAL: Sychar Saccharine Slurpees: Sensationally sweet. Now trending in. We’re not kosher; we’re Samaritan.